I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
