woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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