I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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