Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
