does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
