I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
