Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
