if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
