things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
