Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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