I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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