Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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