note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Randomize
