Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
