Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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