Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Are my feet made of real feet?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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