I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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