A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
