Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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