I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
