I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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