She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Randomize
