Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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