I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
