This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
