I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
