You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
