i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
