Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
