Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
