I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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