This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
