hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
