does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
