So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
