I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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