so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
