dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
