Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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