My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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