peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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