Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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