There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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