shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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