wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well I just put wine in my tea
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
