I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
