New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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