don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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