Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
