my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
