I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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