i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
