He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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