Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
