shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
