If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
