I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
