woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
