i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
is wine microwaveable?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
