Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
