she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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