I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
