He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
